im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
