You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize