I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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