I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm bleeding and have questions
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize