Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
