had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
