I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
