There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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