She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
