What a fucking waste of an outfit
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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