I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
