I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
