T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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