I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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