i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
