wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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