Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
