Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
