Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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