DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Found your dick twin last night
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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