1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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