i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
