Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
