Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
