either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
