The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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