The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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