You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
