god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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