If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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