Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
