U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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