he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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