she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
