We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
