Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
