I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
COCAINE IS GR8
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
