can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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