I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
