He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
