Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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