I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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