My balls are so social today.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize