She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
