I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
sex in a hospital.. check
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
