You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
