I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
