He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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