i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
