I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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