morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
