if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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