Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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