Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
