New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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