I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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