First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
