I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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