You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
