the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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