she looked like the bat from fern gully.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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